Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
