oh fat girl friday strikes again...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
