New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
