I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
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