Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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