I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
