Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize