It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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