it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
You are a genius and a whore.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
