Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
