also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Randomize
