Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just blew my weed a kiss
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
