First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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