Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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