Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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