My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
