I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
