im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Still dying that you shit outside
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
