I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize