I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
