My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
She even gives head with a lisp.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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