No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
