I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
