oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Randomize
