He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
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