sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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