In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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