i wish there were pregnant emoticons
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
