i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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