I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize