i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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