separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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