Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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