He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
