I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
