I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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