new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
