So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
