If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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