hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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