hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
