$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
