I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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