I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize