Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
