If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I intend to get homeless drunk
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
