I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
