oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
