he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
