I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
