I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
