tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
