im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
