Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
