So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
