I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
