I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
