he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize