Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
