i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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