youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
