Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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