Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
